Blast from the Past

How did these articles of mine never get published? Just a bit of fun to keep the recession depression at bay:

Rat infestation plagues Budapest
Tuesday January 17, 2006

Budapest has been invaded by a huge army of rats, according to Pat Kany, spokesman for the EU’s Pest Control Body.

Members of a field team led by Kany made the stunning discovery whilst conducting research in the city centre.

“We were examining the shopping malls when suddenly we realised we were surrounded by mall rats of all different shapes and sizes,” said Kany, a rodentologist based in the German town of Hamlyn.

“Rat men, women and children swarmed about in hordes, frenziedly buying goods at over-inflated prices.”

The revelation contradicts the commonly held view that no rats existed in Budapest since thousands of gallons of the noxious poison traubisoda were pumped into the sewers during the Communist regime.

“Rats were thought to have been wiped out here, but we must complete a population density study and build an accurate picture of the mall rat genome base. Then we can see the rate at which mutations have occurred,” said rat scientist Jean Rottan.

Although several factors may explain the Malthusian-crisis caused by the beady-eyed rattus mallus hungaricus, Rottan cites vanity and the malls’ “rip-off rat mafia” as key contributors.

“Now huge nests have spread everywhere, and with a lack of vaccinations against bad taste, we estimate that the mall rat population will at least double by 2010.”

Rottan went on to warn that without the pied piper, who is currently serving a prison sentence for child molestation, drastic measures would have to be taken.

“The only way to combat the problem is for rat people to wake up and realize that just because something is expensive and sold in a mall doesn’t mean it’s any better.”

Kany then outlined the team’s plans to continue research with the aim of finding an effective solution.

“We will take specimens back to the rat lab in Hamlyn, and examine them with hammers”.


Gazprom cuts gas shipments to Hungary
Wednesday January 18, 2006

Russia's state-controlled natural gas exporter OAO Gazprom has cut shipments of fuel to Hungary by 20% because extreme cold weather led to increased domestic demand.

Kontár Kálmán, A spokesman for the Hungarian gas company MOLE, said that this cut is of little significance, as the level of hot air in Hungary is exponentially increasing in the period leading up to the elections. He added that there was in fact a distinct possibility of a tropical microclimate evolving over the next few months.

“The cold winter air will soon dissipate due to a huge influx of blustering hot air,” he predicted.

Although MOLE is at present using 3.4 billion cubic meters of reserve fuel to make up for the daily demand, Kontár suggested that connecting certain politicians and their press organs to the national network would not only redress the present shortfall, but also help combat climate change.

“The whole country could benefit from the huge amounts of superfluous gas produced,” he said, outlining company plans to siphon off 250 billion cubic meters of gas from parliament each year.

“Maybe then we could start exporting gas to Russia to help them cope with extreme weather conditions.”